more cowbell's Journal

3:27pm: i move out tomorrow morning.

i am very, very nervous about this. i don't want to start packing up all my things because once i start, that's it. i leave and they get unpacked in new york.

i said goodbye to katie and teresa this morning, melissa tonight. i guess the sadness of it didn't really occur to me this morning, because we're always leaving each other for little breaks in the winter or whenever. it just occured to me that i will never live with them again, and that i don't know the next time i'll see them. these girls are such a part of my life, my daily routine. i feel like i'm losing a limb.

i walked around campus for the last time today. i ran into a some people and got to say goodbyes and went out to lunch with a few girls. lots of people are going to l.a. so weird, so far.

i just really, really hate this. a lot of people i know were/are happy to have left/leave school. i just don't know how to deal with this. it makes it easier that i don't have a choice in the matter, that i have to go to new york for the type of job i'm looking for, but it doesn't make it easier to leave. ugh.

maybe one day i'll move back. this place is absolutely incredible.

3:39pm: this past week has been a whole lot of "lasts". it's a weird way to experience life, considering most people live life by their "firsts". my last saturday night in the city. my last trip to the shaws grocery store. my last monday spent at berklee. my last few rides on the T. i've resolved to not listen to anything even remotely slow or sappy this next week, after almost having a breakdown on the T last week while listening to death cab for cutie. i can't believe i have to move in 5 days. i can't believe i have to leave my apartment and my town and never see the view of downtown from my street, ever. i've had my ups and downs in the city but i truly, truly love it, and there is just no other place like it. it's a friendly city, it's a baseball town, it's small enough to be a community but large enough to be a metropolis. people operate differently here. i don't mean to be discriminating, but i can't help it. even going out to bars back home, it's not the same, the people are so different. i can't handle it. there are very few things i have to come home to, but i'm lucky that those few things are really, really important to me and make it worth it.

there's just so much i'm going to miss, aside from all the memories i've made as a result of being young and in college. i'm going to miss the guy that shines shoes outside of the hynes t-stop. i'm going to miss sunset, common ground, our house, silhouettes, bukowski's, charlie's, the model, maybe (a big maybe) even the kells. mr. butch, the celebrity homeless man that no one would understand unless they saw him in the flesh. the energy of the city during a baseball game. our apartment and the absolute ridiculous times spent in it. sitting down by the river. the ridiculous furniture and lawyer ads on tv. there's so much. i'm sure moving home won't be as bad as i'm making it out to be, i'm just trying to come to grips with leaving here. i don't even know how often this thing gets ready anymore anyway, so this is more of me than anything, i guess.

one sort of coolish, good thing as of recently is i finally got my hip boston haircut and the hairdresser was so awesome and kept saying these random things to me, like i have a great face and something else about my eyes (?), but it was nice i guess. my hair looked ridiculously awesome after she put her 5 zillion products in it and blew it out, but it definitely hasn't looked even close to that since. i hate that. go figure i leave my boston haircut until a week before i move, and fall in love with another hairdresser. roseanne is going to kill meeee.

i'm going to go play with theresa's kitten now. there might be another wah wah entry in here again before i leave, maybe even two. i'm really annoying, i'm sorry.

12:42pm: i'm writing to say a few things.

1. there is another new baby in the family! her name is meatball and she is a perfect little kitten and a real, live angel. shes home with evan now, they left me on sunday and i felt so sad and lonely. i can't really put into words how cute and wonderful she is. she's in love with him but hopefully we won't have to fight each other for his affections. my mom is calling meatball her first grandchild. not so normal, but she'll get more toys out of it.

2. update on the countdown: less than 3 weeks left in boston. it still doesn't feel like a reality, and i'm still not happy about it.

3. probably going to the cape this weekend to see some departed friends i haven't seen in a while, as well as to engage in lots of sun, surf, and drink. i need a day that really reminds me its summer, so this should be good.

4. still trying to sort my life out for the fall. i hate when plans are up in the air, i need to learn how to be more patient. i also need to learn how to commit myself to the fact that i'm not officially done with my bachelors degree until december. i'm barely scraping by right now, and i'm still at a really incredible and inspiring music school. i still have one semester left at a community college, taking gen ed courses like history of western civ. shiiiit.

5. i AM going to see mars volta (in reference to a previous entry about never being able to see mars volta). granted it's at a goddamn arena, but that's ok, i'll take what i can get.

5:36pm: i've spent a good portion of the day watching the live 8 re-runs, being as i was at a graduation party last weekend and missed the broadcast. it fills me with such an indescribable feeling to watch music in it's most basic form: to heal, to comfort, to entertainment and to make a change. i had chills and tears in my eyes so often during the broadcast, because it's just so innately good and notable. it's so incredible that music can be used as such a powerful tool outside of the individual experience. it fills me with some sort of hope that i won't be journeying into some unrecognizable and misguided land in 6 months, and that hopefully i can be involved in something creative and ground-breaking and beneficial. i would love to plan charity and action concerts, or at least help to do so at some point, if possible. it's just so funny that people everywhere can busy themselves with being music "snobs" and talking about music in such an elitist context when it's so obvious that none of that matters, at all. and that marketing and artist development and independent promotion are primarily what matters, and that music just can't be good, and sell itself without bells and whistles. i'm going to stop my diatribe now, but in closing, i'm so happy that live 8 was successful, i finished "charlie and the chocolate factory" for the 2nd time in anticipation of the movie, and i get to see the kittens again in a week.

7:27pm: all things to those who wait / take time to find your way
so what's new, what's new. the summer is moving along slowly, and i'm enjoying my last months and days in boston for who knows how long, maybe ever. i'm trying to appreciate every little thing about it, things i guess i've failed to appreciate in the past four years. i still can't get over the fact that i'm going to be leaving soon. i really think i had the most perfect "college experience", but even moreso than that, it was just a really wonderful 4+ years spent in a different city, where i set up shop for a little while, and now i must close down. i met so many people and saw so many things and really just had the time of my life (cue patrick swayze!), and it's going to be so hard to leave. but i know it's time. i can't drag it out forever. people have started to trickle out of the city, and out of the state, for the past month or so. so i must follow suit. i'll leave boston in mid-august with all my belongings and possibly a new pet for evan and i (ok, mostly him), spend a week down at the nj shore, and then try and get my "professional life" together, and reopen the new york chapter of life.

so since the last time i really wrote, only a few things really stand out. all of my friends graduated college (without me). i saw rilo kiley and danced and sat on the top of the bar swaying until i got kicked off. we all had lots of bbqs and lots of drinks and lots of "what am i going to do without you guys?"s. lying in hammocks and meeting my soul-sister dog named tirana, whom maria is pet-sitting, and who used to be a stray in costa rica until she was rescued, fed, and brought back to the united states by her owners (maria's bosses). tirana and i are really best friends, i wish her and savannah could meet. she is quiet and calm and possesses the wisdom of a wise old mexican man. maria's mom thinks that she has the spirit of a saint within her. really, you wouldn't understand how great this dog is unless you met her.

and then there was a death. and our bird binkie caught ill and katie and i had to rush her to the animal hospital, where, minutes before we were about to shell out hundreds of dollars to keep her alive, she died in the vet's hand. the vet thinks it was lead poisoning from the lead paint in our apartment. we never even thought that to be a threat, but she was constantly out of her cage and perched somewhere along the wall, so it makes a bit of sense. it was a hard blow on all of us. i know she was just a bird, but she really, honestly became like another roommate. driving back from the animal hospital without her, and especially seeing her lying lifeless, was totally surreal. we are kind of pathetic in the way that we talk about her all the time. katie definitely misses her the most, because she became the crazy old bird lady, and would walk around with binkie on her shoulder or head. we only had her for 9 months or so, but it was still hard. so that was a big bum-out.

but then there was life! and my dad and lisa gave birth to a wonderful, incredible, healthy baby girl. and suddenly, at 8:30 on a wednesday morning, i had two sisters instead of one. i haven't seen her in a month, but i will see her on my birthday this friday (which will be her one month birthday!), and i bought her the most awful/cute onesie that says "somebody in allston, ma loves me". everyone keeps on saying that she looks a lot like me and my father, and my dad makes note everyday of how much she looks and acts like i did when i was a baby, and how we even have some of the same facial expressions. it's really strange, all of a sudden having another sibling, and one that is just so different from you. we are almost 22 years apart in age, she is this little being that is only awake to feed and then goes back to sleep, and yet she's my sister, and i've only met her two or three times. it's really surreal and crazy, but i love her, and i can't wait to see what type of person she becomes. i'm so proud of her, and she hasn't even done anything yet! but i know she will be a phenomenal human being, because both lisa and my father are incredible, warm, creative people.

so that's really it. i'm leaving for new york on friday so i can see my family and friends and maybe even celebrate my birthday a little bit, then going back the next weekend for maria's graduation party. and then the next time i'm in new york, it might be for good (or for right now). and i know i'm really melodramatic about the whole thing, but that's alright. enjoy your long days and daylight in the evening.

7:20pm: there is a bird perched on the tree next to my window who keeps chirping the same 4 notes over and over. i wish i knew bird language so i knew why he/she had to say the same thing over and over again. maybe the bird has ocd. i wish i knew, though.

i'll make a real post soon, i promise. there's a lot of new and exciting stuff to discuss.

11:33pm: thank you, jenny lewis.
cause i'm not scared
but i'd like some extra spare time

9:53am: i'm home, and more specifically, i'm at evan's, even though he's at work. i eventually have to shower and do actual things today, but it's still early and i feel sick for no real reason at all. so i'm going to update the lj with these tasty little morsels. i just said tasty little morsels.

- i thoroughly enjoy watching the footage of audioslave playing in cuba. i don't even like audioslave much, though i respect them as musicians and people, but just when you think that things are too stagnant and miserable in the music industry, something very important and wonderful like this happens.

-we're not going to talk about how finals went. i am still traumatized and in shock. i'm so nervous about getting my grades back. as long as i didn't fail anything, i'm fine.

-on the "jam of the summer" front: maria is saying that it's going to be amerie's "one thing", but i don't know how long that song will last through the summer. it's on the same ground as beyonce's "crazy in love" of two summers ago, though not as spectacular. i think we've got at least another really good one waiting in the wings.

- i'm starting to realize that my days are numbered with parties consisting of dance-offs and lionel richie being played at the end of the night. i don't like leaving college, not very much at all. i'm also slightly devastated that boston won't be my home anymore in a few months. even when i was back in new york, boston was still "my city". this whole growing up thing sucks.

- i am, however, looking very foward to this summer in boston, the "last hurrah". weekend trips to cape cod, road trips, evan visits and trips to the zoo, and steph and mel will finally visit!

- and, finally, i've been thinking lately that i really have to go on "pimp my ride". honestly, i don't even want my ride pimped. i just want my car fixed for free. and i think they might pick me because they like cars that are quirky and weird, and while my car is still running (occasionally), nothing in it works properly. i had the "pimp my ride" idea yesterday as my car stereo turned off and on every 15 seconds, and my front door wouldnt open so i could get gas. my side door is broken and doesn't open either. the other night i was driving and my overhead lights turned on without warning, my left blinker didn't work for 3 months and all of a sudden started working the other day, a few months ago my windshield wipers turned on suddenly, even though they were off. i could go on forever. xzibit, pimp my ride!!!

4:39pm: 15 minutes to rock
anna left boston today, and we had to say our goodbyes last night, and it was a real wake-up call that college is almost over, and people are going to start leaving soon, one by one. katie likened it to your summer after senior year and before college, when the first one of your friends leaves, and you know it will never be the same again. except now it's the opposite because we're leaving college, not going to it!!! i also had to say goodbye to my private violin teacher today and i got extra sad because i know i'm not the easiest student to teach, but she really is an incredible person and a wonderful teacher, and i appreciate her positivity and energy so much. after i said goodbye to her i walked outside and it was raining and i left so sad. i can't deal with goodbyes. these next few months of saying goodbyes are going to suck.

i'm sick with disgust about the new city murder. i can't believe it happened. you never think something like that happens so close to home. what a vile creature that man is. if he even deserves to be called a man. i wish there was something i could do for this poor family, but i don't even personally know them. i just hope justice is served.

the baby is coming in less than a month! i can't wait to meet my new brother/sister, i'm going to be their bestest friend and buy him/her lots of toys and cute clothes.

i got very, very drunk on thursday night and very sick friday morning. we went to a bar called redline and got our pictures taken, for what i don't know. i can't do shots anymore when i go out. i am going to swear off drinking for at least 4 days.

i'm warning you all that i will probably write in here a lot because i am becoming increasingly nostalgic and sentimental and my memory is awful, so the only way i'll remember anything, sadly, is if i write it in here. so sorry, ahead of time.

5:05pm: sometimes i wish that drinking in public wasn't illegal. on occasion i would just like to walk around with a wine glass and do things like deposit checks at the atm and do my laundry. and by "on occasion", i mean right now.

5:24pm: the apartment across the street has an apple blossom tree in full bloom.
so we had a party last night. katie had her senior art show (she's so talented and i feel so proud to be such a talented artist's friend, but also, there was so much free food and wine, i ate half a platter of pepperoni), so we had the after-party. we decided that we would be having the party on wednesday, which gave us 2 days to get our shit together, invite people, and make more of our reknowned mixes. i'm glad we decided to have the party, because it was so much fun, and a last hurrah of sorts, even though some of our senior emerson friends couldn't make it. there were dance-offs, as usual. my friend joe showed up with swimmies on, and by the end of the night they were mine. my dances for the rest of the night somehow involved doggy paddling, the breast stroke, etc. the crust punk kids from downstrairs came up and then one of them collapsed in our living room (it's cool to not know how to handle your alcohol, to these kids are least), so one of our friends called the ambulance. more on that later. as i predicted, crowd favorites included "iesha" by another bad creation (abc), and "the thong song". sometime we will talk about how much i love the thong song, and how devasted i am that it hasn't made a comeback yet. i went crazy when it came on. i spilt wine on my shirt/the floor/everyone all night, and finished a bottle of wine without passing out/getting sick, which kind of freaked me out. a higher tolerance is not something i'm striving for! everyone had an awesome time, so that was wonderful. the only drama was when the police came with the ambulance, and they knocked on our door at 3 in the morning and asked who lived here, then asked to see my id. the unconscious drunk at this point there were only like, 10 of us left, we were all 21, and we weren't playing the music loud. he ended up writing me up (for what??), told me if he had to come back again he would arrest me (for what??!!), and said that it was saturday morning and to go to bed. i got pissed and asked what he was writing me up for, which made him more pissed (how dare i politely question his authority), and threatened to arrest me right then. OH OK. but they ended up leaving and we were like wtffff, but whatever, old news.

so the only other thing worth writing about is in my music publishing class on monday, my teacher just showed us sigur ros videos off the internet for half of the class, and there was one video where it was them playing live outside, and it was like a block party. there were all these children and random people just standing around and watching, and the camera panned in on this one little girl, maybe 4 years old, doing the most insane dances. i love those dances that children do, and they are so off the wall, but it makes so much sense to children to move like that. and my teacher was like "THAT is the meaning of life. i didn't know we would find it today, but there it is. she's dancing outside to beautiful music, she's with her sister, it's a gorgeous day outside. this is what life is all about, not all of this adult stuff that we pretend we want." and i was like YES!!! because i believed so much in that, and i was so happy that he recognized that too, and understood that taking a break from music business bullshit and listening to incredible music is alright sometimes. it was so perfect. if you feel so inclined, try and find the video on the sigur ros website, it's worth it.

12:04am: ISN'T IT A PITY
i'm going to talk for five minutes about how great george harrison is (was). because, seriously, the man was incredible, and sometimes i get so sad that he has passed because i feel like he had such a wonderful life, and really understood the way that life should be lived. one of his best friends stole his woman from him, but he forgave him, and said that if his ex were to be with anyone, he would want it to be with clapton, because he knew that he would treat her well. and he was so spiritual and just wanted everyone to love each other. seriously, why aren't more people this way?? i'm listening to "all things must pass" which is just one of the most perfect albums ever, and so instead of doing my homework, i'm overflowing with george harrison love. i remember my dad constantly telling me to buy this album and it took me forever to get around to it, but it was such a worthwhile and long-overdue purchase. and if you know my dad (which you probably do because 3 people read this), you know how obsessed he is with harrison also, except five million more times than me, obviously. i decided i want "i live for you" to be my wedding song. i used to want it to be a van morrison song, or "wild horses" by the rolling stones, and for a while i wanted it to be "rock with you" (because it's the best most romantic michael jackson song ever), but it definitely should be "i live for you" because it's the most beautiful song ever and i get tears in my eyes when i hear it. or maybe i'll have 5 weddings songs, but that one will be the main one. and i hope that i have a little brother named harrison because right from birth he will be the most wonderful little boy ever, because he will be blessed with george harrison's name. speaking of which, less than 2 months until the due date!!! so, yeah, that's pretty much it. george harrison anecdote comments are welcome.

sidenote is that i have no money, and this weekend i was able to drink thurs, fri and sat and only spend $20. the reason that the $20 was spent in the first place is because it was anna's birthday on fri night. thurs we got to the bar (with the intention of just drinking water and hanging out), and within 5 minutes, an anheiser-busch team rolls in and gives everyone in the bar free beer for the whole night. WHAT! and last night mark, jay and jake were having people over their place, but maria and i didn't even have enough money to take the bus out there, so we hopped on our bikes instead, and rode 4 miles each way to hang out for a few hours, drink beer and look at dinosaur books. i was rocking the splatter paint ross bike in full effect and everyone loved my life. or at least i did. but my whole body aches now. in addition, i had went for a jog that morning. so now i shuffle around like i'm 89 years old. the end, GEORGE HARRISON!!!

5:11pm: there is something very, VERY important that i forgot to mention in last night's journal entry. and that is that BASEBALL SEASON HAS BEGUN AGAIN!!!!

evan and i watched the opening game on sunday night and did our traditional shot of jameson at the first pitch to start the season off right, what is wrong with me/us/everything??? the sox lost because david wells was having an "off" night, which is really fucking convenient isn't it. but that's alright, schilling is on the mend, wells is getting used to pitching with new catchers, we just need to get back into the swing of things.

in related news i am sosososoosososo excited about the movie "fever pitch", it is a romantic comedy about the red sox! perfeecctt. but not really. it will probably suck a little and im weirded out/mad that they filmed the ending of the movie, on the field, while the red sox were celebrating winning the world series. it's like nothing is sacred anymore. and jimmy fallon and drew barrymore are both mildly annoying. but i'm still excited and i think i'm going to make evan see it with me the weekend after next.

and, in closing, today i was crossing the street and i narrowly dodged a car that had a big wooden cross hanging from the rearview mirror, and had a man's voice on a loudspeaker saying that now is the time to return to jesus and repent for our sins, etc. etc. isn't that probably illegal? i thought only ice cream trucks and police cars were allowed to have loud speakers. maybe not. but i hated that car.

7:43pm: macaroni and cheese
it's almost like i'll never be able to see the mars volta! sold out sold out sold out everything is sold out. im so nervous rilo kiley is going to sell out, it probably won't but i've been having bad show luck lately. melanie sent me a postcard that had instructions for knocking a door down, and it was perfect!

i had the best weekend with evan. i am so lucky. i wish i could spread this love happiness to everyone in the whole wide wooorrrld.

i bought my new monthly T pass today, and it's purple, pink, and lime green. they must have either a woman or gay man picking out the color schemes for the monthly T passes, because they keep on getting more and more sassy. and i love it!

i might get a 51 parkvale tattoo, but i am probably too much of a wimp. we were talking about all of us getting one to commemorate our brotherhood and so we will always remember our crazy times of living in this apartment together and boston and everything life, but it probably won't happen. either way, i like the idea. i just can't imagine a way to make the tattoo like nice. numbers are kind of ugly. and i don't know where i would get it, maybe my foot. what do you think, friends?

3:29pm: it's april fools and i haven't had a prank played on me yet!!! i'm seriously bummed. i can usually count on my dad for one, but he's very contemplative/sad regarding the pope's death/imminent death. i'm very nervous because a lot of people have died this week (though, thankfully, none i know): johnnie cochran, terri schiavo, mitch hedburg (seriously wtf??) and frank perdue (who i had some weird love for as a child, i think because he was in the commercials and i loved their chicken nuggets), and now the pope. this is weeeiiird. it makes me feel so sad that all these people are dying and it's very tragic and each time i hear of another person by heart sinks. when i found out that terri schiavo had finally passed yesterday morning, i felt so upset and down, because the entire situation was so drawn out and such a sickening media circus. i guess what i'm trying to say is in this midst of all these people losing their lives and proving how delicate life really is (much like what happened in december with the tsunami, and really any other time something tragic happens), most people just continue to act like assholes and internet shit-talk (commendable!) and treat other people like crap and it just makes me feel like we're all doomed if no one wakes the fuck up. that's all.

i'm sorry if i'm writing like a 5 year old, but i'm overwhelmingly sleepy for some reason, and eating lots of jolly ranchers jelly beans (i bought more, half price at brooks!), which may or may not account for poor writing skills.

8:23pm: since i probably won't be able to go to the get up kids' last show because (1) the pre-sale sold out in like, 8 minutes, and there is a stupid 16 year old kid in new york somewhere that has MY ticket, and (2) i most probably will be at school when the regular tickets go on sale, i'm going to make a list of my ideal setlist for the last get up kids show. and if you don't read this post, that's alright, i won't hold it against you. did i mention that the new york show is on MY BIRTHDAY? some kid has a ticket to see them on my birthday. my plan as of right now is to get drunk and then kick the door down at webster hall, kung fu style. this is in no particular order, but i would want the show to definitely end with "close to home" because the last line is "you can read about it when we're gone", and they're about to be gone. forever. ok:
coming clean
stay gold ponyboy
holiday
action & action
red letter day!
ten minutes
i'm a loner dottie, a rebel
overdue
up on the roof
shorty
one year later
forgive and forget
anne arbour
mass pike
i'll catch you
lowercase west thomas
washington square park
no love
and, finally, close to home. and then i will break down and cry.

this is probably not the last you will hear of me, because i think tonight is shaping up to be ridiculous. the day started out ridiculous when for two minutes, we were going to a studio session with 7L and esoteric, but bagged it because we were too out of the way. also, i miss my jolly rancher jellybeans.

5:05pm: my mom bought me a bag of jellybeans because i won't be home for easter, but they're not just any jellybeans, they're jolly rancher jellybeans. which have already been ravaged after only having opened them last night. a few minutes ago i went to take one out, and i thought to myself "there are so many people that have the willpower to have just one jellybean, or only one potato chip. why do i always have to gorge myself? i'm going to only eat just one jellybean and prove my willpower to myself." ok, that was approximately 30 jellybeans ago. i'm doomed.

melanie, i miss you!

i need to tell you all about my current obsessive favorite song. it's gotten out of control. head automatica's "beating hearts baby". it honestly is pop genius. GENIUS! dave played it for me while i was home and i was like "oh this song is cool" and hes like, wait the cowbell part is coming up and i was like "!!!!!", and there is also a tambourine. this all happened after me and my new jersey friends of yesteryear played lazer tag and then almost died, and also after i was haggled by some little kid who wanted to barter tokens for a styrofoam glider. and i also remember that "wompum beads" was brought up somewhere in the night, and i think they are funny for some reason. i feel an eternal struggle to balance maturity with "immaturity", which i put in quotations because i decided that it's not that i have a slight immature side, but rather just a side that likes to act silly sometimes and play lazer tag and manhunt, and that's ok, because if i repressed any of such inclinations, then i would be a miserable person. so really what i'm trying to say is, who wants to go back to sportsworld with me? i rediscovered myself there, somewhere between ms. pacman and the uncle fester electric shock machine. you're intrigued now, aren't you?

today i took as a small personal victory because i didn't want to kill myself, not once. tuesdays usually knock me down on my ass because i have all my hardest classes, back to back, with no break to eat food, not even a morsel! but i prevailed. i need to keep up the momentum so that i can just get this semester over with and not fail any classes. in case anyone was wondering, my GPA within my major is a 3.945. i'm obviously a music business genius.

oh, and i also walked across the george washington bridge on friday, which may not sound too exciting, but you try it! that was also a small personal victory because i didnt pass out or have a panic attack, and i even looked over the railing.

that's it.

6:35pm: the entry about music that you think is crappy.
OMGGGGGG. so let's start out with how i find out today that the get up kids have broken up/are breaking up and then i almost died. no one understands how important that band was to me when i was just a wee teen. well no, plenty of people understand. case in point, i felt compelled to call melanie all the way in florida and inform her of the frightening news. i feel like a chapter of my life is closing. is that stupid? i don't care because the get up kids was the soundtrack to my life. AND THEN i got nervous that maybe less than jake was breaking up/had broken up and i didn't know, because if that was the case, i would just drop out of life all together, so i went to their website and thank the lord, they're still together, making shitty music mind you, but still together. so now i feel a little better. at least i still have one of my teenage love bands left.

the other thing is that i was wondering why jimmy eat world makes videos for 16 year olds? seriously? because the video for "the middle" starred teenagers, but whatever, maybe it's for all ages? but then their latest video for, oh you know, only one of my favorite songs on the cd, actually is about real live 16 year olds!!! and how hard life is, it's like a documentary! what the hell is happening to my life?? they don't have to do that!

so none of this post probably makes sense but i am writing in a high stress time of my life. not because i'm in the middle of midterms week, but because all my high school bands are leaving me to either be real humans with families or sell out to people like my sister. but i am in the middle of midterms but it's not as crazy as usual because a bunch of mine got pushed off or cancelled due to all the snow days we had. yesssss (said in napoleon dynamite voice). this weekend has been deemed my "lost weekend" of college. there was a lot of fun, and a few things i regret. and there was a lot of alcohol, and cowboy boots, and expensive cab rides, and 80s clothing. now it's over and everyone is like "what the fuck happened?". and no one knows, and no one can even remember. so weird, but i guess everyone needs at least one of those. my dad had like, 50 million "lost weekends" in college. so it's ok.

i'm so SO SO excited to go home for a week, i almost don't care that i'm not going to south beach! i get to spend so much time with evan!! and i get to see steph, and i get to go to philly and see mel! i'm so happy i could burst!

1:58am: it's been a while since a drunk entry, so i figured it was about time.
we went to 80s night again around the corner and it was fabulous. they played aha's "take on me" as per mark's request and it was so good that i don't even mind that everyone was bumping into each other and my drink was spilling all over the place because it was very important that everyone danced to that song like it was the last dance on earth. also i decided to skip the last dance and come home because i had to use the facilities. i am being very ambiguous and classy by saying facilities. it's snowing so much outside and when ic ame inside i saw all the kids that i hate but whatever, it's too bad that they're 19 and act like they're 9 and scream all night and act like this is a dorm. in closing, they also played the cars, and i am so happy they play at least one cars song every week. the end.

11:47pm: stuffs.
i keep on thinking summer is right around the corner, which is a filthy lie. i told evan tonight that it would be pointless for him to get an exercise bike because it's almost summer and soon he can go for rides and jogs outside. and then he reminded me it was still february, and my world shattered. every new england winter makes me more and more miserable.

so in the on again, off again world of spring break, it's looking off again. for like, 4 minutes, i wondered why everyone else could get their shit together and go on spring break, but we can't. then i remembered that (a) we live in an expensive city in an apartment too expensive for what it is, (b) we go out too often and spend too much money, and (c) no one wants to give us jobs. it lifts a financial weight off my back, but i will say once again, I NEED A FUCKING VACATION. ok, anyway.

my new hobby is going into urban outfitters, buying one top, bringing it home for a week, realizing i don't like it and/or would rather spend that much money on something else, and returning it and then buying another new top. i'm starting to embarass myself.

binkie has broken new ground and now sits on my shoulder and also eats out of my hand. i'm proud of her and her progress. yay for birds!

tomorrow i'm going to do some cognitive thinking brain study at harvard. my life has come to doing experiments for money. i hope they don't hook wires up to my head. i'm telling myself they're just going to watch me play a game of memory for 80 minutes. nonetheless, if no one hears from me by tomorrow evening, please alert the authorities. i was last seen entering a building on the harvard campus.

some things i can't wait for are: having money. warm weather so i can finally wear my cowboy boots and skirts and also so i can be happy again. maybe going on a vacation on day? please? seeing my boyfriend again. seeing my home friends again, one day. losing weight (feeling great!) and getting toned on my new (kanye west's) work-out plan (i even bought hand weights, wtffff). being done with this semester of classes. getting drunk tomorrow night.

thank you and goodnight.

2:31pm: wednesday night: i put the beatles and the police on the jukebox, but the jukebox chose not to play sting and co. got into a fight with some grown-ass men on the way out because they yelled at us for leaving. cab drive from pakistan who had a 15 minute running joke about the four of us girls being mark's wives and having to cover our faces like in the middle east.
thursday night: got my id inspected by two bouncers, as well as bent and lazered. i don't know where the lazer came from. i guess they only use it for 21 year olds that look like they're 12.
friday night: "communist" bar in cambridge. ordered cape cods while jake magically was wearing a "cape cod" sweatshirt. bar hopped and discovered my new favorite bar. room filled with couches, dim lighting, awesome vibe. possibly inspired some guy to work on wall street. did a magic trick with a poker chip while waiting for the bathroom.
saturday night: witnessed a long overdue dance off in someone's kitchen. watched the beginning of peewee's big adventure.
today:trying not to freak out over the fact that i have no money and haven't done homework or practiced my little violin. going to a superbowl party and pulling for melanie's team because if the patriots win i won't get any sleep tonight. anyway, it's the year of the underdog.

i write in here because i'm so afraid i'll forget. i'm having what people like my parents would call "the time of my life". i only get one of these. i feel sad and scared and everyone feels sad and scared and it's such a mix of happiness and uncertainty and we can only find solace in the fact that we're all going through the same thing. i want to freeze everything as it is right now, and never leave boston, even though i know i have to. the only thing i have back home is my family and evan because everyone else has left and i don't blame them if they don't come back. i feel like i'll be regressing to move back home. how can i go from living in a city with such a mix of people, where i can do whatever i want, and then move back to rockland, where everyone my age is stuck? why did this get so depressing?! no more depressing. evan comes next weekend and i can't wait. the longer we're together, the closer we become and the more i fall in love with him, and the distance just keeps on feeling farther and getting worse. i will probably drag him to my new favorite bar (a warning). i am very hungry and have a lot to do so i will end this now.

6:07pm: current favorite song: "poison" by bell biv devoe. HELLO, how did i forget this song existed for 12 years?

current favorite band: say anything. omg steph help me.

current weird human behavior: when people make fun of others for taking livejournal "too seriously", but then they themselves take it seriously enough to use it as a means of getting attention and riling people up. wowwwww.

current personal concern: i've been going out too much. my money is disappearing at a rapid and disturbing rate. it's making me nervous because i want to go on spring break, but with that money? i don't know! and it's virtually impossible to find a job in boston, so i'm getting very nervous and swearing off going out ever again, but that's a big lie because i'm going out tonight regardless. I CAN'T HELP IT, it's (one of) my last semesters of college, and everyone (or like, a few crucial people) are leaving in may! wtf!

current scholastic concern: i have ten classes!!! i'm already confused and swamped with work!! the above mentioned "going out almost every night of the week" doesn't help matters, i'm such an asshole.

2:02am: a short story.
tonight, i got drunk with members of big d and the kid's table, kicked in the head, and the damn personals. it was like a true high school dream.

sixteen year old meghan would have been very excited.
twenty one year old meghan was very toasty and happy to have her l.a. friends back in boston. and a little weirded out that one of the above musicians propositioned her to be the woman he's been waiting 31 years for and move to brooklyn with him.

when we walked home there was a fight (surprise!) outside of the kells and a guy had his shirt off. then maria, mark and i layed in maria's bed and listened to death cab for cutie. it was a ridiculous scene. tonight was a nice night. the end.

5:01pm: if you're surprised i'm writing in here, don't be. i only write in here when i have work to do, and i have A LOT of work to do, because i'm in the middle of finals, and not just any finals, BERKLEE FINALS!!! i'm in nine classes at berklee. nine. each class has a final. some classes have a final and a project. some classes have a final and a paper. some classes have a final and a few papers! i'm going out of my fucking mind!

in other news, i can't stop shopping for christmas presents. i'm unstoppable in the malls with my debit card (how much is left in my account? I DON'T KNOW!) and my christmas spirit has my co-pilot. it also helps that my family has expanded two-fold (thanks parents for getting divorced and then married again at the same time!) and i have like 500 parents and 1000 grandparents. or like 4 parents, 4 grandparents and 2 "fake" grandparents. whatevs. the moral of the story is that i'm going to have no money soon which is bad because i need money for when i'm home and i need money for when i'm back in boston, money that needs to last me through august. and i want to go to mardi gras and visit caroline and i want to go on spring break. i should have just made everyone dioramas instead of buying gifts. bullcrap.

ALSO! maria comes back thursday night and i get to see all the people i haven't seen in a while, plus all the people i see all the time, and it will be fantastic. then i come home the next day and i'm soooooooooooo excited. mini-road trips! beer and wings! lots of cuddling! shopping with christmas money! playing with my dog! good old rockland county fun!

ALSO! pedro martinez signed with the mets. wtf. why would you go from the red sox, obviously the best team ever and world champions, to a sub-par team? at least i could UNDERSTAND if he went to the yankees. but the mets?! there is nothing notable about the mets, i went to one of their games in june and almost fell asleep. and here comes this guy that hits batters and hangs out with a midget and has a jerri curl. he's past his prime and if the mets think that he's going to take them places, sorry dudes. ok, i'm done.

ALSO! i saw david from the real world: seattle at the mall today, while i was doing the above mentioned christmas shopping. i didn't even get excited. which i took as a small personal victory. i might be on my way to being a normal functioning human being!

ALSO! you know what really bothers me? all these girls i see on the T or on the street with loads of shopping bags from like, preppy college age girl stores. and ok, maybe you have lots of friends to shop for, maybe. but the way i see it, it's the holiday season! you can't take a goddamn second from your vapid life to stop buying shit for yourself and enjoy the season and maybe buy gifts for other people?! maybe i'm being irrational. i'm perhaps just a little obsessed with the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS YOU ASSHOLES.

i'm making myself stop now. SEEYOU!

11:32pm: since last time
we adopted the parakeet and she is named little miss princess bruiser binky nervous nelly. she goes by any combination of those names. we got her wings clipped so she could come out and chiilll with us, but she doesn't want to yet. i'm so happy her wings will grow back because they're so tiny now and i think she's sad about it.

halloween store job is over and i have time to myself again. randy came into the store two more times. now i'm bored with him. next!

i was a liger for halloween, and was very happy to let everyone know. because nobody got it. i teased my hair into a tina turner-esque hairdo (lion's mane) and wore a spandex tiger bodysuit. i found my napoleon dynamite by the end of the night but he was a stupid napoleon. and didn't understand what i was saying when i quoted the movie. laaaaame. if you're wondering why i wasn't she-ra (which i know you are), it's because someone rented the she-ra outfit before i could get my hands on it. oh well.

i like to listen to all bands and songs that make me feel all nostalgic inside. dashboard confessional (i heard about your trip...) and getup kids and so on. if i were on top of my game, i'd start making my winter break mixtape NOW.

we, as an apartment collective, have been going on "family nights". where we bundle up (it's cold here) and go out to a bar or two or however many, and play this game where we get "free samples" from the bartender because we're loud and jovial and can't figure out what the baboon's name in lion king was (two hours later, rafiki). or there's also that game where i get carded twice and/or my id gets looked at for 500 minutes because nobody believes i'm 21. it's ok.

i have a very exciting announcement to make but i will not make it in here just yet. some people already know because i have a big mouth. maybe i'll share it tomorrow when everyone in the world can officially know. omg i'm so cryptic!!! that's it for now because i don't have too much to talk about and i'm just writing in here instead of practicing the violin.